Taken from The Times, Monday 17th April 2045
Belgian-Dutch Study claims that the world is flat.
Recent research commissioned by the International Council for Science (ICSU) claims to prove that the world is flat and not round, as had hitherto been widely believed, prior to the global pandemic that initiated Lockdown in early 2020.
Should this be substantiated, the pandemic could no longer be referred to as “global” and would have to be retitled as “horizontal”.
This claim comes as result of a study undertaken by the KU Leuven (Belgium) and TU Eindhoven (Netherlands).
However, the report has received criticism from various sources including the British Premier, William Pitt-Hague The Younger,12, who referred to the findings as, “ … pure hyperbole relying on unreliable data and a lack of peer- reviewed evidence base. Whether the world is flat or not is a matter for the British Government and the people of this great nation to decide, and not a bunch of weed-smoking Northern Europeans.”
The lead researcher, Jurgen Anthrax, conceded that the research was of such importance that publication was put ahead of the normal process of peer review.
Anthrax defended his decision to publish his uncorroborated report saying, “Because of the urgency of the situation and the world‐wide crisis, we exceptionally have turned things upside down. First, research results and communication to the public, only today I submitted the research proposal for funding, later we will submit the peer‐reviewed article. We thought carefully about this reversed order. Given the situation, we decided it would be unethical to keep the results confidential and keep the public waiting months for the peer review process to be completed.”
Anthrax upheld the decision to publish his findings prematurely claiming that this procedure is no longer unethical, referring back to another uncorroborated Belgian-Dutch study, published in April 2020. This report claimed that the COVID-19 virus could be transmitted by infected people when walking, running or bike riding, though particles forming a cloud of droplets and hanging in the air for up to a distance of up to fifty metres.
Although the report was never substantiated, the World Health Organisation (WHO) adopted the findings, recommending a total ban on everyone leaving their home, a policy that still exists worldwide, with little prospect of either a vaccine or de-escalation of the restrictions.
Since 2020, over 4.85 billion deaths from COVID-19 have been recorded worldwide, although critics of how the deaths are registered claim than most of these deaths should be attributed to what was historically known as “old age”.
As a result of the pandemic, Horizontal Warming – as it would be renamed, should Anthrax’s findings be confirmed – is no longer a threat to the survival of the planet.
The last plane believed to have flown was a Lear jet 60, shot down by the French Air Force shortly after departing Bordeaux airport, on 21st April 2020. On board were eight British Hedge Fund Managers en route to Chamonix for an illicit skiing holiday.
Anthrax responded to criticism of his findings by scientists’ counter claims that pictures of the Earth taken from space unequivocally prove that the world is round, claiming that the photos [were] “ … fakes, crudely adjusted to make the world appear to be round by a primitive technological tool called ‘Photoshop’. It’s a deception of the public and it isn’t right”.
When accused of sensationalism and scaremongering, Anthrax replied, “of course, it’s scaremongering. It is a fundamental Human Right to be lied to and scare mongered. Without scaremongering and a distortion of the facts by politicians and the media, people would not be manipulated into believing that things are as bad as they are told they are.”
When asked about the report, World Premier Greta Thunberg, 42, said, “You ask me if I think the world is flat. The world is round, the world is flat … I ask you what difference does it make? I have no knowledge of geography because I was too busy flying around the world stopping people flying around the world to study Geography. Whether it’s flat or round is not important while there are still people destroying the world’s resources by activities such as breathing.”
Former US President Donald Trump, 97, welcomed the report and said, “if we can move the edge of the world closer to Mexico it would remove the necessity to build a wall around the goddamned place.”
The International Flat Earth Society, sometimes referred to as “planoterrestrialists” also welcomed the report. The Society’s president Samuel Broadbottom said, “The earth is flat because the Bible says it is flat, regardless of what science tells us”.