IT’S NOT COMING HOME

As I find myself with relatively little to do during this heatwave, I thought it’s about time that I wrote my quadrennial blog about the pointlessness of soccer… or perhaps, to be a bit more specific, the pointlessness of England trying to win a soccer World Cup.

I could, of course, have written this several weeks ago, but I thought it more appropriate to wait until the ink was dry on their boarding passes back to Blighty before putting finger to keyboard.

Last night my wife and I watched the second semi-final in the dragon’s den… our local Argentinean restaurant, amid a sea of sky blue and white shirts. Choice of this venue wasn’t by chance: it’s around fifty metres from our apartment, the food is excellent and enticingly priced — we eat here at least twice a week — and the chances of our fellow viewers leaving in a cloud of frustrated angst were remote.

Having declared ourselves as neutrals with little interest in The Beautiful Game, we settled down to enjoy the banquet of entertainment that awaited us. The illusion of neutrality was challenged moments later, when two kids from the adjacent table took to butchering an innocent spider whose only sin was to have chosen the wrong chair to build a web beneath. Easily done.

My prediction that Engerland would lose 2-0 (which would include a red card and a penalty awarded against them) was kiboshed when Anthony Gordon found the back of the Argentinean net early in the second half, and suddenly it went jolly quiet. This wasn’t in the script, and I even felt a little sympathy for the spider murderers now blubbing at the next table.

And then, shortly after the hydration break (which coincided with my third pint) Old Man Steptoe who coaches (or organises) the England team, for some bizarre reason decided that he wasn’t giving Argentina enough of a chance to level the game, and made a few changes.

Now, as you will know — if you know me — I have a minimal understanding of soccer, so I’m going to have to rely on this morning’s Guardian report for an explanation of what actually happened: “Tuchel… opted to withdraw Declan Rice and Reece James three minutes before Fernández’s equaliser as England switched to a back five.”

My understanding of this is that England decided not to try to score any more goals and to defend a 1-0 lead with 27 minutes (including time “added on”) to claw their way into their first final on foreign soil.

My understanding of this is that England decided not to try to score any more goals and to defend a 1-0 lead with 27 minutes to go.

It didn’t work, and I’m sorry but Mr Steptoe-slash-Tuchel’s explanation doesn’t hold water, even to a soccer illiterate such as myself. Again, I quote from today’s Guardian: “We decided to go to a back five because the gaps were far too open,” said Tuchel. “Argentina played with more risk, played with more rhythm and played with the feeling maybe that they had nothing to lose any more, which freed them up and pulled us back.” Really? How about, Mr Steptoe-slash-Tuchel, instead of giving them the ball and inviting them to pepper the England goal in the manner the Royal Marines peppered the Argentinean army during the Falklands Conflict*, you encourage your charges to score a second goal? Spain did it, and guess what? It worked!

The funerial atmosphere was shattered with a cacophony in the 85^th minute when Enzo Fernández levelled the score, despite valiant “keepy-outies” from goalie Jordan Pickford.

Bizarrely, our television was broadcasting the match around twenty seconds behind one in a bar across the street, so we knew that Argentina had scored the winner before we saw Lautaro Martínez’s close-range header in injury time.

They think it’s all over… it is now.

A comment on social media this morning made me chuckle: someone, looking for a slither of solace in defeat had posted: “England are the only country to have won both the Football and the Rugby World Cups!” That really is clutching at straws, isn’t it, because France is the other other country with a realistic chance of achieving such a milestone. France have won two soccer World Cups and — hmmm… despite appearing in three Rugby World Cup finals, have yet to pick up the Webb Ellis Cup. South Africa devote their sporting energies to proper sports: Rugby and Cricket, and only the weak and weedy play soccer.

I digress.

I’m going to finish by reiterating a few suggestions I made four years ago, to improve The Beautiful Game. Apologies if you’ve read this before, but if you haven’t it may also evoke a chuckle.

Rule Change No1:

Elevate the yellow card to the same status as in rugby. If a player fails to call the referee “sir” – let alone question one of his decisions, he should be sent to the sin bin for ten minutes. And because being reduced to ten players would create greater inconvenience than bring reduced to fourteen, soccer players might learn not to dive, blubber in the referee’s face, and follow him around the pitch, gesticulating and threatening him. They might even learn something that used to be called “manners”.

Rule Change No2:

A rule should be introduced to prevent players passing the ball back into their own half. This would speed up the game immeasurably and make it much more entertaining.

Rule Change No3:

Other than in the case of an injury confirmed by a doctor, get rid of substitutes – I would apply this to rugby as well.

Rule Change No4:

Remove the manager, coach, organiser, or whatever he’s called from the touchline. If he wants to yell things about money to his players, let him do it from the stand, like everyone else. And because he won’t attract the attention of the television cameras, there will be no need for him to wear a suit. It’s a sport, not a business… for goodness’ sake. Actually, no it’s not.

Rule Change No 5a:

There should be no draws. After 90 minutes has elapsed, one player from each team should be removed from the contest every five minutes until one team scores. Spain is arguably the country in which soccer has the greatest following, and you’ll never find a draw in a bull fight, will you?

Rule Change No5b:

Should FIFA not like my Rule Change No5a, perhaps they might be tempted to go for 5b:

A penalty shootout should take place before all World Cup matches. That way the winner will have been decided, should the game go to extra time, and still remain drawn. This will motivate the team losing the penalty shootout to try a bit harder and not allow them to sit on a lead, as per Engerland.

That’s about it, amigos.

Don’t think I’m going to bother with France V England. For the record, my money would be on France to finish with the bronze, and for Spain to win the thing.

*Note to reader: I only mention the Falklands Conflict because Argentina players paraded around the pitch after the game with a banner stating that the Malvinas (Falkland Islands) are Argentina’s. They’re not… at least we won that one.