THE ONLY WAY IS BANUS

One of the reasons for my increased workload, is that every so often my wife asks me to write a descriptive passage about one of the properties she’s trying to rent. Well, I’m a writer, so why not? I’m also a pretty good bullshitter, which is de rigeur in this industry.

But yesterday, when she asked me to describe a front-line apartment in Puerta Banus, my spirits noticeably failed to soar.

‘You want me to say something positive about Banus?’ I asked.

If you know me, or read this blog, then you’ll know that my opinion of Banus is roughly similar to my rating of Death Valley – anecdotally deemed The Most Unsafe Place On Earth – as a holiday destination. In its favour, Death Valley isn’t full of pretentious idiots, drug dealers, pushy Bling-Bling salesmen, or hookers. So, on balance, I would vastly prefer to spend a week vacationing there than in Banus.

Anyway, I bit the proverbial billet and produced the copy. But after I’d finished, I felt that I owed myself what a friend who read the piece referred to as “… an honest recantation version to purge my soul.”

And so here, dear reader, are both versions.

First, the piece which will appear on our friend’s company website:

Puerto Banus, Front Line Apartment

How would you like to wake up each morning and be greeted to the sight of multi-million Euro yachts moored just beyond your bedroom? And to sit, sipping your coffee, on a sunny terrace with views far out to the sun-kissed Mediterranean, as the world comes to life in Andalucía’s most vaunted hub of opulence?

With a southern facing aspect directly over Puerta Banus’s marina, the location of this sumptuous first-line apartment is uniquely unrivalled.

This well-appointed apartment offers a rare opportunity to be right at the centre of everything that Puerto Banus has to offer: down-to-earth bars for down-to-earth drinkers, chic and stylish bars for the more discerning, sports bars for those who enjoy a spot of sport, and night clubs to suit all tastes.

When it comes to dining, right on your doorstep you will find a veritable myriad of restaurants offering cuisine from all around the globe. This is, naturally, an essential element, with those yachts in the marina from all corners of the earth!

Enjoy a spot of shopping? Well, you will be guaranteed a feast of unchartered proportions, with every top brand offering their latest designs within a stone’s throw of your holiday apartment. And for those who prefer a one-stop-shop, a short walk across the square behind the apartment leads to the hanger-sized El Corte Inglés, which – in addition to top designer outlets, and all forms of domestic and recreational ware, has an excellent gastronomical section.

And should you find yourself craving a break from the delights of Banus, take a ferry trip to Marbella. For €10 (each way), this represents outstanding value, and Marbella is certainly worth a visit. You will find the ferry within a minute’s stroll of your front door.

The apartment consists of two well-proportioned bedrooms, a large well-designed bathroom with a separate toilet, and a large open-plan kitchen diner, which has an island with a breakfast bar as well as delightfully stylish and functional cooking and storage areas.

Overlooking the marina, there is a large terrace furnished with sun loungers and ample seating for relaxing and eating. This is accessed through the lounge, and also through the master bedroom.

There is, of course, the obligatory WIFI, a state-of-the-art Bluetooth sound system, and air conditioning in all rooms.

Finally, you will find enchanting beaches with golden sands within a five-minute walk in the direction of San Pedro, or a ten-minute walk towards Marbella.

 If you dream of a holiday at the hub of everything – look no further – this is the perfect place of you.

And now for the “honest recantation version“

Puerto Banus, Front Line Apartment, VERSION 2

How would you like to wake up each morning and be greeted to the sight of multi-million Euro yachts moored just beyond your bedroom? And to sit, sipping your coffee, on a sunny terrace with views far out to the sun-kissed Mediterranean, as the hookers head home from the harbour after a hard day’s night in Andalucía’s most vaunted hub of opulent vice?

With a southern facing aspect directly over Puerta Banus’s marina, you can watch some of the world’s most notoriously successful drug dealers strut their stuff from the comfort of this sumptuous first-line apartment.

This well-appointed apartment offers a rare opportunity to be right at the centre of everything that Puerto Banus has to offer: sex, drugs and sausage rolls. It offers overpriced no nonsense bars for no nonsense drinkers (a speciality for those from the North of England), overpriced, tackily tarted-up bars for the more discerning (from the South of England), sports bars for those who enjoy a spot of sport (obviously they only screen soccer), and night clubs to suit all tastes and sexual preferences.

When it comes to dining, right on your doorstep you will find a veritable myriad of restaurants offering unbelievably overpriced cuisine from all around the globe. This is, naturally, an essential element for those hungry Viagra-munching Russian Oligarchs whose yachts still populate the marina. Yes… even after the Ukrainian “dispute”!

Enjoy a spot of shopping? Well, you will be guaranteed a feast of unchartered proportions, with every top brand offering their latest designs within a stone’s throw of your holiday apartment. Why buy online when you can be ripped off in Banus? And for those who prefer a one-stop-shop, a short walk across the square behind the apartment leads to the hanger-sized El Corte Inglés, which – in addition to top designer outlets and all forms of domestic and recreational ware, has an excellent gastronomical section.

If you dream of a holiday at the hub of all of the finest things in life – particularly Class A drugs, prostitutes, and overpriced everything, look no further – this is the perfect place of you.

At some point you will almost certainly have had enough of the “Bling-Bling-Rented-Ferrari” Banus vibe, so why not take a ferry trip to Marbella? For €10 (each way), this represents as rare a commodity as you will find in Banus – good value – and Marbella is certainly worth a visit, if only to have a short break from the drug dealers and the hookers. You will find the ferry within a minute’s stroll of your front door.

The apartment consists of two well-proportioned bedrooms… actually, one is tiny, so fat people will find it difficult to access the bed other than by launching themselves onto it from the door. It also boasts a large well-designed bathroom with a separate toilet (which is an essential feature as it’s the only toilet) and a large open-plan kitchen diner, which has an island with a breakfast bar as well as delightfully stylish and functional cooking and storage areas.

Overlooking the marina, there is a large terrace furnished with sun loungers and ample seating for relaxing and eating and watching the rented Lamborghinis and the Ladyboys go past. This is accessed through the lounge, and also through the master bedroom.

There is, of course, the obligatory WIFI, a state-of-the-art Bluetooth sound system, and air conditioning in all rooms, and everyone has their own drug dealer on speed dial. Huh? What? Oh really… did someone say that before?

Finally, you will find enchanting beaches with golden sands within a five-minute walk in the direction of San Pedro, or a ten-minute walk towards Marbella.

If you dream of a holiday at the hub of all of the finest things in life – particularly Class A drugs, prostitutes, and overpriced everything, look no further – this is the perfect place of you.

So, there you have it amig@s. Do please let me know which one you prefer, and if you have visited Banus and managed to find something good about the place, please don’t hesitate to comment.

Hasta Pronto, Chic@s!