POSTCARD FROM POLAND —BREXIT: Jeux Sans Frontières

You know, I think I just might have the answer to this Brexit fiasco.

It’s not one that would work well for our European neighbours, and it probably wouldn’t be a palatable solution for some less sanguine Brits, but it certainly would achieve what no amount of parliamentary bickering will ever accomplish: a deal that puts is in charge of our own destiny.

In fact, it puts us in charge of everything.

And what is this utopian solution that no amount of negotiation could achieve, I hear you ask?

Simple.

We take a leaf from the Romans, and go to war with our former European partners. Let’s face it; we were never really reading from the same hymn sheet since 1973 anyway, were we?

Divide and conquer.

The first bit is easy enough, as the EU is pretty much a split kipper already.

We simply inform Messrs Barnier and Tusk that unless they grant us precisely what we want, this is exactly what will happen. Of course, the flaw with this is that we don’t know precisely what we want. And, after almost three years of squabbling, all we have to show is a very long list of precisely what we don’t want.

So we go ahead and send the troops in anyway.

And how would this pan out?

Well, the French and the Italians – surrender monkeys in the last show – would run up the white flags, so that takes them out of the equation.

The Irish and the Spanish would once again opt for neutrality, although this would galvinise the Catalans and the IRA, rebooting civil strife in their own back yards. So much for The Backstop then.

Belgium and the Netherlands would be conquered in the time in takes to say: “Zey are zee Belgian fries … not zee French fries,” and the Polish would be too drunk to even register what’s going on. Although, to be fair to the Polish, many of them would form a resistance movement, while others would join the Luftwaffe.

And that leads me on to the only effective opposition: the Germans. Of course we would prefix the annexation of their homeland by having the RAF drop leaflets reminding them how we gave them a pasting in the last two global conflicts, and what Bobby Moore and his boys did to them in 1966.

So how then would we defeat the Germans?

This time I take a leaf out of Adolf’s book – the secret here is speed. A Blitzkrieg – or lightning war – should do the trick. Of course we would take care to minimise both casualties and damage to European cities because we will still want to visit them for our stag and hen parties when it’s all over. And we will also want someone to serve us; so no point in alienating our European “Friends” entirely. In fact, our key post-war strategy will be to convince them that their welfare is significantly better served under Westminster’s jurisdiction than under Merkel, Marcon or Tusk’s.

Now you probably know that I’m an ardent Remainer who considers that anyone who voted for Brexit has either had half their brain removed or is over the age of seventy-five.

I recently gave two hitchhiking students a lift from Calais to Hannover and they told me that they didn’t know anyone from their generation who had voted for Brexit. Trouble is, being students, most of them couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed to vote at all.

However, as Teresa said all those years ago: “Brexit means Brexit,” (what on earth does that mean, by the way?) so, if we’re going to leave, let’s do it properly and form a New united European Order, whose seat of power is moved from Brussels to London and at whose head is Her Majesty’s Government.

No more MEPs, no more quotas, square bananas … no more moaning about the EU, because it won’t exist. The pound will replace the Euro and freedom of movement will be maintained in all of Europe. Except for Britain, other than where necessary, of course.

Once we have conquered Europe, the new European Order (now referred to as the NEO – as in fascist, Nazi or The Matrix) will be funded by German war reparation. The thing about history is that if you don’t learn from it, there’s little point in studying it, is there?

We will still have Eastern Europeans to empty bedpans and wash cars – only we won’t pay them any more. There will be no import tariffs on German cars, or anything else worth importing. And we won’t need to worry about not having any industry of our own because we will simply take what we need from our new colonies; such are the spoils of war.

So that’s my plan.

Trouble is, I can’t see Parliament agreeing to it any more than I can see them agreeing to anything else.

Of course Jacob Rees-Mogg and his cronies in the European Research Group (ERG) would be the easiest to get on board; as would Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage. However I would try these two hombres – along with Call Me Dave – for High Treason and other war crimes, such as lying to the public about the benefits of Brexit.

And what could we do to celebrate this NEO …  this simplification of the doomed European experiment?

Well … we could dig up Eddie Waring’s corpse and play a game of It’s A Knockout:

Hans plays with Lotte, Lotte plays with Jane
Jane plays with Willi, Willi is happy again
Suki plays with Leo, Sacha plays with Britt
Dave has a referendum …

And Britain’s in the shit.